Monday, August 03, 2009
~ just another day in a broken world ~
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I dont want to be tied
To anyones strings
Im carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....
-- Mood: Hopeless
-- Listening to: Dave Gahan's voice
-- Thinking of: Maybe it seems like I am too eager to have just anybody. When who I ought to be with is that Somebody. But again, who's to know who he is? Will he be wearing a flashing neon sign on his head? I say, that's the real problem. We ought to be given some kinda directions to this sorta things. I've almost forgotten what the dull growing ache inside feels like. And Welcome Back! Mr Insomnia. God! Seriously, I need a f***ing break! Give me a reason for all this madness. Else, all will be in vain.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
~ just another day in a broken world ~
I want her legs! They go on forever and ever and ever! =( Jealous!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Reflection - Christina Aguilera
Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
Saturday, July 18, 2009
~ just another day in a broken world ~
So its gonna be a big number for me tomorrow.
No words could express how much I want to just skip over to Monday.
Well, it defies logic really, cos even if I somehow manage to miss the day I would still age regardless. Its the whole passing through the 19th of July that makes it so real. So irreversible. Yet, "I am 25 years old" sounds so surreal. I dun feel my being matches that number yet. I am a bundle of contradiction indeed! *whines* I dun wanna grow up! This is stressing me out!
Well, well... I am suppose to meet the dodgeball today after work but I just can't bring myself to. Its weird ain't it. I dun have anything that's stopping me. No one is putting a gun to my head and giving me ultimatums. Last I checked, there are still no strings attached to me. But still... I just can't be arsed. Mr Jacob is away for the weekend doing HA-HAs with some friends somewhere. That should be a good excuse to get around with some company since I won't be getting my nightly dose aye? Anywho, I told dodgeball that I gotta cover the nightshift so I won't be available. I had half the mind to tell him that I gotta be home to look after my sick son but that would be too far out! *cackles* However, I'd pay for his reaction to that piece of news.
The babies and Aunt is at my crib! We had a family Newton thing last night. Celebrating the 4 birthdays as we anually do. So imagine, the birthday songs kept coming and we had to say out all 4 names and its hilarious cos we all do it in our own order that all you hear is gibberish. We did the birthday song 4 times yesterday and once this morning. All 9 of us had cake for breakfast!
In the mean time... This is what's in my head.
Hurry Home Mr Jacob!
-- Mood: blah
-- Listening to: that song over and over again in my head
-- Thinking of: what Mr Jacob is doing now...
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
~ just another day in a broken world ~
Last night it started like any other conversation. Kalau orang melayu cakap bobal "konek" ah. I enjoy talking to him. Not the typical conversations that I used to crave for. With him, I dun have to be smart. But he makes me laugh and I make him laugh. Dia pun bobal ngan aku bersahaja, takder alas alas, main shoot jer. Aku pernah pun terfikir yang mamat nie tak romantic langsung pat aku. Ok... mungkin aderlar sikit sikit, tapi tak lah mcm heran sgt sebab if a boy meets a girl of cos there are certain things that they are required to do kan. So, it didn't occur to me that he could like me more than whatever we are doing now. Actually, the reason why I am so comfortable with him right now is cos i dun give a fuck about where this is heading and what will come out of it. So, No pressure la buat aku. Buat have fun jer... ajak tgk wayang, bobal bobal, lepaskan my needs to dote on someone. Tapi aku tak expect anything in return. Aku pun tahu si mamat nie gatal satu badan mcm ulat bulu... Takkan la dia nak give up seme pompan pompan yang sekeliling pinggang for a broken girl like me. Tapi aku tak pasal ah, in fact it was a relieve to know there was no expectations.
Jadi imagine la aper perasaan aku bila dia tanya soalan cepu emas tu! Terperanjat katak aku sekejap. Sampai kepala hotak aku kacau bilau. I was tossing and turning in bed and never really get to sleep. I woke up every hour into the night. I'm not sure how to react, should i be ecstatically happy or worried or insulted. Damn!
In fact the way he brought it up confuses me. I didn't know if he was serious, joking or just being insensitve. Cos with matters of the heart he always manages to turn it into a callous spoof. Oh tak tahu lagi nak buat aper! Bingung betul. *Should I stay or should I go...
-- Mood: disturbed
-- Listening to: Soulja Boy - Kiss Me Through The Phone
-- Thinking of: Him... Mr Jacob Black
Saturday, April 04, 2009
~ just another day in a broken world ~
I found the cotton filled pocket. Just the other day.
But its unavailable. I think. Though its as accomodating and calming as always.
Should I? I desperately need the cotton filled pocket to tell me that everything is just fine. To tell me that I've always been strong and I can do anything I set my mind to do. Ever so in tuned to my vibes.
The cotton filled pocket.
Maybe I should just find another pocket to snuggle in.
Godspeed.
-- Mood: Yearning
-- Listening to: Siti's Story
-- Thinking of: all the ones that got away
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Good Morning!
Off to Ha Long Bay soon.
Will update later when we reach the hotel =)
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Seriously darling, you can't handle the truth when you are made to demand it. Not even when it is laid out on gold doily lined silver platters.
Why you might ask? Cos' if the truth can't be told without a lie, than discretion must have made it so. (This might not be true if the person in question is a compulsive liar to begin with.)
Lets look at skeletons in the closet. You might not know about it, but they are always there. These are past mistakes, present vices and sometimes can develop in the process of choice in the due course of your future. Whether or not, its brought till the death, revealed purposely or stumbled upon coincidentally, skeletons are just truths that have yet to find an appropriate occasion to surface till it does.
So instead of digging up these skeletons...
Live the moment.
Cherish the now and look forward to tomorrow.
Cos' that person who told you "ignorance is bliss" definitely has a bloody good point.
=) Good night y'all.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
~ just another day in a broken world ~
I was stubbornly determined not to encounter anyone at home. With earphones stuffed into my ears, I tried to block out the upsetting thoughts from my head while trudging heavily towards home. I saw the kitchen light on, for a moment i wondered who could be up this late but soon enough the idea of anyone being awake fills me with imminent dread. As I opened the door, I heard a man's voice.
That's my dad's way of breaking the ice. Engaging small talk with me about Oreo. I went straight for the medicine bag while he automatically brought out his weekly pill planner for me to fill. We sat there, in silence. He smoking his cigarette and me concentrating on my notes off the labels of his medication. Both of us, listening to our headphones. I asked him about his next checkup. He coughed and told me it would be towards the end of the week. He got up and limped off to his room.
While I was putting away the medicine bag, I saw some other unfamiliar drugs at the other edge of the dining table. Upon inspection, I realised that the prescription is in my mother's name. She went to two clinics on two different days. Abdominal Pains.
I caused my mum physical pain. What kind of daughter does that?
-- Mood: Extreme Guilt
-- Thinking of: The internal conflict
Thursday, January 29, 2009
How would you know which way the train is going by looking at the tracks?
I tried to be clever and looked at the sign on the platform instead.
It says "This is where you get off"
No matter how much I kicked and screamed, the sign remains unchanged.
"This is where you get off"
Even when I changed tactics and refused to react, the sign still remains unchanged.
"This is where you get off"
So here I am... on the platform, staring at the stupid sign.
"This is where you get off"
Watching the train go by.
Still not knowing if its coming or going.
You can't outsmart a sign.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
~ just another day in a broken world ~
If the brain is made up of fused fibre optics lights, all running into each other, frizzy and knotted and screaming in so much confusion and breathlessness and pain. A slow, progressive, constant pain. I would know how it feels like to have that brain.
The simple life of pleasure, love and content. not.
While you choose meaningless fellowships with acquaintances from under the bridge. Eating, drinking, singing, smoking. I'd be alone.
And this heart, rancid, covered with barbs of partially corroded iron. Yes, iron. Like lead. Heavy.
Having known you for all my life. Seeing and not speaking.
Speaking and not comprehending.
This rift, gnawing away at us.
Wrists, bound by cotton candy heart strings. One possible life-long accomplice. Love has never been a choice.
Its a curse.
A short term damnation for the trapped, helpless and desolate. One second of bliss for a shitload of crap. Only, damnation isn't temporary. It comes round, coming and going and going and coming. It never leaves you completely. So does Love.
So does obstacles.
So is a broken heart.
No healing. Just temporary amnesia from the wounds till it all comes back.
-- Mood: Morose
-- Thinking of: how could i have stopped the day of my conception
She cries herself to sleep - 10:40:00 PM
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Gong Xi Fa Cai!
To all my friends, may you have a prosperous and healthy new year. =) Love you all... And for those born in the year of the rat, you can get to know yourself better through your horoscope below (its mine too and its scary how accurate it is on so many levels!). Good luck and fortune in Mahjong! Enjoy! Cheers!
02 February, 1984 - 19 February, 1985 Yang Wood Rat
About The Rat:Being the first sign of the Chinese zodiac, rats are leaders, pioneers and conquerors. They are charming, passionate, charismatic, practical and hardworking. Rat people are endowed with great leadership skills and are the most highly organized, meticulous, and systematic of the twelve signs. Intelligent and cunning at the same time, rats are highly ambitious and strong-willed people who are keen and unapologetic promoters of their own agendas, which often include money and power. They are energetic and versatile and can usually find their way around obstacles, and adapt to various environments easily. A rat's natural charm and sharp demeanor make it an appealing friend for almost anyone, but rats are usually highly exclusive and selective when choosing friends and so often have only a few very close friends whom they trust.
Behind the smiles and charm, rats can be terribly obstinate and controlling, insisting on having things their way no matter what the cost. These people tend to have immense control of their emotions, which they may use as a tool to manipulate and exploit others, both emotionally and mentally. Rats are masters of mind games and can be very dangerous, calculative and downright cruel if the need arises. Quick-tempered and aggressive, they will not think twice about exacting revenge on those that hurt them in any way. Rats need to learn to relax sometimes, as they can be quite obsessed with detail, intolerant and strict, demanding order, obedience, and perfection.
A valuable lesson for Rats is to learn to consider others before themselves, at least sometimes, and to avoid forcing their ideas onto others. Rats are fair in their dealings and expect the same from others in return, and can be deeply affronted if they feel they have been deceived or that their trust has been abused. Sometimes they set their targets too high, whether in relation to their friends or in their career. But as the years pass, they will become more idealistic and tolerant. If they can develop their sense of self and realize it leaves room for others in their life as well, Rats can find true happiness.
According to tradition, Rats often carry heavy karma and at some point in life may face an identity crisis or some kind of feeling of guilt. Rats are said to often have to work very long and hard for everything they may earn or have in life. However, a Rat born during the day is said to have things a bit easier than those who are born at night. Traditionally, Rats born during the night may face extreme hardships and suffering throughout life. Rats in general should guard themselves against hedonism, as it may lead to self-destruction. Gambling, alcohol and drugs tend to be great temptations to Rat natives.
Traditionally, Rats should avoid Horses, but they can usually find their best friends and love interests in Monkeys, Dragons, and Oxen.
Professions include espionage, psychiatry, psychology, writing, politics, law, engineering, accounting, detective work, acting, and pathology.
Positive Traits: Forthright, disciplined, systematic, meticulous, charismatic, hardworking, industrious, charming, eloquent, sociable, shrewd
Negative Traits: Manipulative, cruel, dictatorial, rigid, selfish, obstinate, critical, over-ambitious, ruthless, intolerant, scheming
_____________________________________________
2009 Chinese Horoscope for Rat Animal Sign
Year Ahead for People Born in the Year of the Rat
Year Ahead for People Born in the Year of the Rat
The Year of the Ox begins on 26th January 2009.
For the Rat, the year of the Ox brings a more tranquil time. This will be more a year of peace with less rushing about and less haste. It will be a time to get to know yourself better and to aim quietly toward your personal aims.
Or, if there were any changes that took place last year, these will have brought quite a transformation into your life and now comes the chance for you to take it all in. You will be able to come to terms with all that has gone before, relax in the present and then decide on what you really want to do with your future.
Rat's Health in the Year of the Ox
Your health will be reasonably good. You will make steady progress throughout the year and the one area you should walk away from, however, is other peoples’ problems. If you allow yourself to get dragged into a friend, neighbour or relative’s troubles, this could be your downfall.
In February and March an air of deception could cause some confusion. You might feel as if someone you had trusted lets you down but are you jumping to conclusions? Before confronting others with your feelings, look more deeply into the matter and you could find that someone has been acting with your best interests in mind, after all.
Romance in 2009 for People Born in the Year of the Rat
A love-affair which didn’t come to much in the past may be re-kindled towards the end of March. What makes it different this time? Circumstances will have changed. This time you are more willing to be open and honest with each other and whatever forced you apart now seems to be the source that brings you both back together again. A heart-to-heart will sweep any remaining traces of antagonism away.
At home, good planning is your key to happiness and contentment. Think carefully about what you want from your family life in general and then work steadily and patiently toward those goals over the next few months.
The stars caution you about a good opportunity that falls in your lap from out of the blue in April. Someone could be trying to manipulate you for their own selfish reasons so be on your guard.
Take another look at an irritating problem that has so far defied solution. With a little imagination and divergent thinking, you could come up with the ideal answer and you will wonder why you never thought of it before.
Friendships in 2009
New friends or commitments will get you thinking along new lines in July and August. There may, however, be times when you might be troubled with memories you would rather forget or phobias triggered by a past event. You can deal with these successfully now by seeing them for what they are – past and gone – and refusing to allow them to interfere with your future.
Likewise, if you are feeling a little sentimental, living in romantic memories and times-gone-by, this could have an adverse effect on a current relationship. You can’t recreate past experiences, no matter how hard you try. What you should be doing is creating happy memories now in the year 2009, to add to the store you already have.
End of Year Forecast for Rat Born People
The end of the year could be a bit of a strange time if you are undergoing any sort of test or examination. You might feel as if you haven’t done very well only to get results that outdo anything you have attempted so far in a similar vein.
Finally, a sought after social invitation could come your way at the very end of the year 2009 via a friend of a friend.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
~ just another day in a broken world ~
I can't remember how I got to work, but I somehow managed to without being late. *winks* Now its nearly seven. *pats me own back* The shift is nearly over without me keeling over to die. =)
So, I was leafing through life's notes thus far while on the train to this God-forsaken hell hole and stumbled across a memory I nearly forgot I had. It was dated back during the time I was dating Farid or he was wooing me or we were just hanging out or something. So, there was this someone from the "clan" who were reading our palms for the future / fortune or something. That person could have been me, but I really can't remember. Anywho, see... Farid got his palm lines read out and it was announced that he's eventual partner would be someone who stays really really close by. Everyone was ecstatic and started teasing the now blushing Farid that since I am staying just across the playground from him, it could be me.
So I did the whole blushing + shy smile but hopeful gig. But I knew at that moment that if this palm reading thing was even slightly accurate, I would be a very unlikely eligible candidate to be his eventual partner. Not that I wasn't staying across the playground from him (i still do) but my palm foretold that if I were to ever wed, he would be from far far away. Well nobody cared at that time, in the moment of youthful love and summer romance. Playground dates and staircase rendezvous. Of knocks on the window and dreams of you. Of Love notes and special gifts. Of my "undying love" for my chivalrous knight. Who would have known? It didn't take very long for me to swing back 180 degrees to declare my undying hate and deny his rights to a second chance.
So about 2 month or so ago, I was trying to cross the carpark at about 7-ish in the evening. This young man wearing a jersey and leather gloves on a motobike was approching me but instead of going by quickly he seemed to slow down. I got rather annoyed. Even though he's like muscular and cute-ish looking, I was really running late. This guy stopped right in front of me and I was puzzled out of my mind why he'd do that. This "knight" finally spoke: "Where are you going?". Stunned I answered, "Out". He continued, "Dah lama tak jumpa" "Yah its been a long time" "Ok take care" "You too. thanks". As I watched him ride away, It dawned on me that this masked stranger was no other than Farid. =) Who would have known the insecure, boncit boy that has a shy laughter and timid glances is now oh-so-swoon-worthy, confident and charming. Made me smile thinking he'd stop to say hi.
Well, I caught up with him on Messenger that night. We exchanged plesantries and he got around to inviting me to his engagement party (which I did not turn up for, of course) Farid was alot of things, but I didn't think he would get tied down at the age of 23 (that's right, he is a year younger that I am). I guess, we can only know a person as much as he/she wants us to get to know them. The point of this entry is that, Farid told me that his fiance stays very very close by (read: same apartment block). Coincidence? I don't know...
-- Mood: I need a smoke... badly
-- Listening to: Sandy is putting on some techno rave thing
-- Thinking of: hair bun with funky pink camou clips
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now,
Gonna let the light Shine on me
Now I found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me This is real This is me
I'm exactly where i'm suppose to be***
Monday, January 12, 2009
My capacity for blinking back this bitter tears have been tested over the limit.
I'm stressed and tired. All I want to do now is lay my head down and sleep. And who knows, if God is kind enough, I shall never wake up.
I don't need anymore harsh, awful words. Not from you or you and especially you.
My problems are bigger than just monthly PMS ok.
Where are the encouraging words and warm hugs?
Oh yeah, maybe I would still have them if I have not drawn these big fat freaking lines and tall walls around me to keep people out of our lives.
I'm too sensitive? Yes, Of course I'm sensitive. I have always been.
Besides, wouldn't you get sensitive too, if you have not slept for anything more than 4 hours a day, travel for an hour a day on public transport just to see your father's face twisted up in pure pain due to God knows what experimental medication that cost a gazzilion dollars a year that have to be fed in no other way but intraveneously while feeling the verbal and emotional abuse from the man that you lose your sleep and sound mind for just because you told the doctor he was having a fever or his arthritis is acting up. Even though all your intentions for him is just so that his condition do not degenerate at a faster pace and for the medical team to give him the best help they can but he just lost his ability to see through the excruciating pain, discomfort and total freaking out while worrying about his multiple complications. Having to pretend that you are not effected by the situation by mustering a poker face or plastering a fucking big ass smile , because crying would just make you a liability instead of the supposed martyr that everyone expects you to be. Knowing, that the burden, if all this fails, falls upon your very shoulders to feed all four of us and the fucking cat. When all along you can't even take care of your fucking self and the 1m radius space around you without going hungry or running out of shampoo before the next pay cheque even gets printed. Well, would you?
And maybe, just maybe, if I am lucky, and if I don't offend you in anyway by chance and if you can keep your cool for the day, also a random event, I might seek comfort from you?
Its not fair to you?
You think this is fair to me?
You think I asked for all this?
Never ok!
Not for you, not for my dad.
If you don't know what to do with me, I'd understand.
Newsflash: I don't know what I'm doing either. But I'll figure it out.
Even if its all by myself.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
~ just another day in a broken world ~
Ladies and Gentlemen...
Let me pose you this question.
Qn: What is worst that a hater who lies?
Ans: A liar of a hater that happens to be your best friend! ah-ha!
According to Urban Dictionary:
1. back stabber
1. back stabber
Backstabber- Some one that you have grown to be really close friends with, but then they go behind your back and betray you.
The Bible also says:
An eye for an eye.
Sharpen up your claws baby girl! We have a party to go to!
ME-OW!
-- Mood: Urgh!
-- Listening to: The scenes that kept playing in my head
-- Thinking of: hugging babyboo Li!
Saturday, January 03, 2009
I feel very very very sad.
I want to read twilight. =(
Thursday, December 25, 2008
~ just another day in a broken world ~
Here's mixing the festive tingle with me Disney Obsession
Whoop dee doo!
-- Mood: Tra la la - hungry
Thursday, August 14, 2008
~ just another day in a broken world ~
Time is gonna take my mind
and carry it far away where I can fly
The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears
'cause it's all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather
So I put my arms around you around you
And I know that I'll be living soon
My eyes are on you they're on you
And you see that I can't stop shaking
No, I won't step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes
'cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath
Oh could burst it if it were a bubble
And I'd better dream if I have to struggle
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me
I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music's the reason why I know time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me
-- Mood: Moved
-- Listening to: Elisa-Dancing
Friday, August 01, 2008
Guess who won a pair of tickets for 1 day at Singfest?
I have a SUPER GIRLFRIEND indeed!
Well, Guess which day it is? Hee hee... =)
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
PATD - But Its Better If You Do
Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
PCD - When I grow Up